So flawless...

How is this so easy? I was able to go with out for years. I fall back just a tad, and I am now utterly consumed. I want nothing more than to take it back. 


Wait...


Do I? What brought this on? How could I do this? My family depends on me. I am no longer the co-dependent individual who hangs on the every word of promises. I am a mother. I am a wife. How could I fuck this up?


We make life out to be a gift. Humans, by nature, strive for happiness. Why did I feel the imbalance? Why did I pursue the bait? I have relapsed and find no way to draw back. I used to see my daughter with eyes of wonder - of passion, beauty, fulfillment, hope, faith, life. And now, I see my failure. I see how fallible the human race is. I see every mistake I made and will continue to make. Every hour wasted has come to this. 


I have been purging. Not binging, just purging. This is not odd to my typical behavior. In the past, I had spells where I would binge every day and purge. I would go a month with basic eating and purging. I would go a week with no eating what so ever. I have resorted to not eating at this point. I find no reason. I find no advantage. I find no cure to my hunger. Why do I ache for more? I have everything. My husband holds me and says he loves me - I stare right through him. He adores me. I can not fathom why, but he does. He honestly believes I am the most beautiful being on this planet, besides our daughter, and I can not reason with him that I am not. 


Not only have I failed them, I failed those who suffer from ED's as a whole. I walked around as if I recovered. I flaunted this victory. I went to restaurants and did not calculate fats and calories. I did not find an excuse for another trip to the bathroom. My weight did not fluctuate. I did not compare my body to every other being on the planet. I lied. But I didn't know I had. Am I making sense? Because I honestly do not see how I could be fine, wake up, and then realize I am miserable with out my eating disorder. Has anyone else experienced this?


My family has no clue as to what is going on. Due to my sudden lack of interest in food, my husband (Bryan) has been bombarding me questions. Are you okay? Stressed? Sick? Did you eat? When did you eat? What did you eat? And anyone who has ever had a glimpse into an eating disorder will tell you what normal replies consist of - lies.


What if I just shifted my life out of balance? What if my daughter will suffer from this? How could I do this?


And most importantly,


Why do I have more questions than answers?