Never as it seems...

Life is what you imitate. As viewed by my husband and family, I am fine. I am well. I am healthy. 

I am not.

Suffering through the past week has been somewhat easy - yes, easy. I feel as though I feel into this old habit easily. How is this? I went from purging 6-7 times a  for six years, to not purging at all for three years, and am back to purging twice a day. I feel so guilty. I feel consumed. I feel useless. I don't want to give this up again, but I don't want to live with it. Why is this so contradicting? Why is this so complicated? Why did I lapse? This seems to be my concern. How did this happen? Stress, subconscious, trigger, incident? I don't understand? I was fine. I was happy. I was normal. I, I, I, I, I ... I feel as though I say "I" a lot. Obviously, I am selfish.

But, why?