So flawless...

How is this so easy? I was able to go with out for years. I fall back just a tad, and I am now utterly consumed. I want nothing more than to take it back. 


Wait...


Do I? What brought this on? How could I do this? My family depends on me. I am no longer the co-dependent individual who hangs on the every word of promises. I am a mother. I am a wife. How could I fuck this up?


We make life out to be a gift. Humans, by nature, strive for happiness. Why did I feel the imbalance? Why did I pursue the bait? I have relapsed and find no way to draw back. I used to see my daughter with eyes of wonder - of passion, beauty, fulfillment, hope, faith, life. And now, I see my failure. I see how fallible the human race is. I see every mistake I made and will continue to make. Every hour wasted has come to this. 


I have been purging. Not binging, just purging. This is not odd to my typical behavior. In the past, I had spells where I would binge every day and purge. I would go a month with basic eating and purging. I would go a week with no eating what so ever. I have resorted to not eating at this point. I find no reason. I find no advantage. I find no cure to my hunger. Why do I ache for more? I have everything. My husband holds me and says he loves me - I stare right through him. He adores me. I can not fathom why, but he does. He honestly believes I am the most beautiful being on this planet, besides our daughter, and I can not reason with him that I am not. 


Not only have I failed them, I failed those who suffer from ED's as a whole. I walked around as if I recovered. I flaunted this victory. I went to restaurants and did not calculate fats and calories. I did not find an excuse for another trip to the bathroom. My weight did not fluctuate. I did not compare my body to every other being on the planet. I lied. But I didn't know I had. Am I making sense? Because I honestly do not see how I could be fine, wake up, and then realize I am miserable with out my eating disorder. Has anyone else experienced this?


My family has no clue as to what is going on. Due to my sudden lack of interest in food, my husband (Bryan) has been bombarding me questions. Are you okay? Stressed? Sick? Did you eat? When did you eat? What did you eat? And anyone who has ever had a glimpse into an eating disorder will tell you what normal replies consist of - lies.


What if I just shifted my life out of balance? What if my daughter will suffer from this? How could I do this?


And most importantly,


Why do I have more questions than answers?

Never as it seems...

Life is what you imitate. As viewed by my husband and family, I am fine. I am well. I am healthy. 

I am not.

Suffering through the past week has been somewhat easy - yes, easy. I feel as though I feel into this old habit easily. How is this? I went from purging 6-7 times a  for six years, to not purging at all for three years, and am back to purging twice a day. I feel so guilty. I feel consumed. I feel useless. I don't want to give this up again, but I don't want to live with it. Why is this so contradicting? Why is this so complicated? Why did I lapse? This seems to be my concern. How did this happen? Stress, subconscious, trigger, incident? I don't understand? I was fine. I was happy. I was normal. I, I, I, I, I ... I feel as though I say "I" a lot. Obviously, I am selfish.

But, why?

So, it begins...

I tried. I pushed. I fled. I failed.


The past three weeks have been complete mayhem. My life is already hectic and pandemonium, but when the ED thoughts came through, I believed that the issues were beginning to resurface. I began to write because it is the only genuine coping mechanism I have...but I gave in and let go. I purged tonight. It has been three years, and I just threw it all up - literally and figuratively. 


I am not sure where to go from here. I do not want to exhaust my physical abilities with crying and moping and thinking. I just want to sleep. How could this happen? I was so full of life, and now I feel as though every ounce of blood has been drained from my body. Happiness seems to have spontaneously combust. Brain cells were left in a foreign area. Willingness and commitment have migrated. I am alone with my body and things are not looking too pretty right now. 


Where do I go from here?

Coming home...

I endured and I inflicted. I was wrong but it was so right.


My life consists of dramatic ups and downs - as does every other persons. However, I have found ways to cope with my downs. Ways that are not considered practical or rational. 


First and foremost, I would like to clarify that I have a brilliant life. I always have. There were scenarios and events, however, that took their toll on me. On my mind. On my body. On my emotions. While explanations and discussions will come at later points, I strongly hate the battle line I am teetering on. I was bulimic. Extremely bulimic, mind you. I purged everything. I ate everything. I was in and out of treatments for six years. And then, I met my husband. Everything became pure. I was innocent again. Marriage was inevitable and then came my daughter...


Oh, my daughter. Isabella Grace. I have never felt more attached to anything in my entire 21 years of existence. I have said this before, but the gravitational pull that once compelled me to simply live redirected it's energy into protecting and loving Bella. She is everything I never figured into my life. She is everything I did no expect. She is everything I do not deserve. Yet, she is mine - she is here. She is half of her father, and half of me. It looks better on her though :)


But getting back to my intentions...I "recovered." For three years, I have not fallen. I have gained - and not just weight. I have a wonderful and incredible job - one that people would kill for. I have goals that seem so huge I could explode. I am in college. I have a home. I have a family. I have responsibilities. I have trust from my family and friends. I have a life. But I am about to lose some of this, if not all. And I do not want to. God dammit, I do not want to. I have been waking up triggered, walking through the halls feeling the urge to binge, aimlessly staring at a toothbrush to curb my yearning...but I have not faltered. I have not binged and I have not purged. Yet. I feel it coming though. I feel it in my blood and bones. I know the signs. I know all there is when it comes to eating disorders. The most painful thing about this whole experience is that I have no fucking idea where it came from. After three years of complete bliss, how did I wake up with the idea to throw it all away? WHY? HOW? 


Two weeks ago, I was confident. I had faith (not in a higher power - that went out the window years ago). I had hope. I was something and I was making a difference. And now...I am nothing. And I want nothing more than to purge my heart out right now. Bloggers...I am scared. No one knows. My husband has no idea that my life seems to have been up-ended with no warning. My parents would disown me if I ever subjected Bella to this madness. My daughter...my beautiful and perfect daughter needs her mother. She needs me. What can I do? I want my comfort food back - or lack there of. After my last residential treatment process at Remuda Ranch is Arizona, I went through "unspeakable" moments. I attempted suicide (4+ times) and nearly succeeded. I drank until I couldn't distinguish hell from heaven. I used drugs that did nothing but harm me. I burned through money as if it was falling from the sky. I went out with every guy because they wanted me too. While I could never hand myself over to them, I led them to think they had a chance. I was engaged - twice, actually - and broke it off with them because I wasn't good enough. I stopped eating altogether. I dropped to my lowest weight. I put myself in compromising positions. I wanted black, pain, dark, hate, death...I wanted to be done. I had nothing good to my name. My family expected nothing from me. And then I met Bryan, my husband. I did a complete turn around. I shocked my parents. If you look at me now, I appear to be a completely stable, established, sane, logical, intelligent, and lovable lady. How can I turn my back on this? Why should I? What could be so powerful to pry my life from my own hands?


ED, that's who.


I do not need this. But, do I want this?